There's that moment. There's that split second that makes a difference. There's a million of them that happen everyday. And they make the difference between one road or the other. The next series of steps come out of that split second decision. Not that I would know anyone like this, but from what I've heard, there are people out there who tend to let themselves get in the way of those split second decisions.
There is a moment where a choice to be brave, to be fearless, to not buy into old negative ideas about ourselves exists. Yet, we tend to choose to buy into those insecurities, to hide, to run, to stay quiet. I wonder what holds us back. I wonder if it's the insecurities we hold dear or is it the fear of being great, accomplished, proud, brave, and being bold. It's easy to listen to the voice that says don't try, don't go, don't risk, and don't make noise. It's easy to back up. It's easy to hide in the background. I notice that I am constantly faced with these split second decisions.
I've spent way more time than I would like to admit being the person who gets in my own way. Obviously, many years of an eating disorder can account for that. I've chosen isolation. I've chosen to believe in irrational ideas of if this would only happen, then I could finally do that. The this would only happen doesn't happen. For an eating disorder it's never enough until you die. It's the slowest form of suicide whether you are starving, purging, or over-eating. At the extremes of any of those serious consequences exist and can be deadly. It's those split seconds over and over again.
Today was about those split seconds. I've learned to second guess when I have a quick impulse. My default is set to hide, to run, to blend in the background, to buy into my insecurities. It's the action of removing the insecurities that feels like being great, accomplished, brave, and bold. It's the walking away from that person who would have taken the easier route that changes that split second. And in that moment it becomes easy to be brave, to be fearless, to not buy into old negative ideas about myself.