What It Can Be
Where does it end or maybe where does it even begin? Walking away from an eating disorder can feel like a long list of never to do agains. There are so many risk foods, pitfall behaviors, slippery slopes, and scary rides. And yet, many of those things can feel like the comfort of holding on to mommy's hand.
As a child, we cling to those hands as some sort of force that fends away our fear and begs them to build a fortitude of confidence in our abilities. And yet, all too often holding on too tightly can cause the monster of fear to only get bigger, draining our little confidence, robbing us of the experience of rising to the occasion. Rising to the occasion for ourself is critical in development. That's something that growing up with an eating disorder undermines.
Believing that the eating disorder can instill in us a unwavering confidence is both a lie and a trap. It doesn't only chastise us for being who we are but it continually punches us in the gut and as we stagger to stand up it challenges us with blame and fault. None of which is true, but how do you go against the things that swore to keep you safe against all the evils of life, all the emotions life brings.
But, what if one day we just stop. What if one day we just stop listening. What if we stop hearing all the things out there that other people can do- decide that we can and we just decide to stop and do. If I believe I can be like everyone else I can. Maybe that felt like a terrifying space to be like everyone else. Maybe now with a different lens removing the rose color glasses shows us that it's the eating disorder that is full of RED flags, instead of just flags of invitation.
Find the space to feel. Step inside yourself. Hold your own hand. Offer up grace, compassion, and a passion to exist inside of life. It's scary. It's hard. It's real. Be what is you.
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